Many years have passed since my last post! So please forgive me.

This summer I had the opportunity to attend the farewell tour of Women of Faith. The one thing that stuck in my heart was that I needed to tell my story. Even if it's only a handful of people who read it, then so be it! So here goes a little bit of me...

Someone posted on Facebook something about suicide awareness. This upset me to no end!
See, when I was a senior in high school, I tried to take my life and failed. Thankfully, I had some people who reached out to me in small ways that changed my life. One was my Uncle Don. He only showed me that I was important by apologizing for interrupting me. I had a youth pastor, Greg Beam, who never gave up on me even after I was older and not attending that church anymore. I will never forget on of my high school English teachers, Mrs. Roberts. She made a comment to me about how I was skin and bones. While, she was just being silly, it made me see something. I was anorexic due to depression, not that I thought I was fat.

I didn't feel like my life was worth living. God brought several people in my life to see that it was. It wasn't that all these people knew my story or my struggle. They saw a young woman and spoke into her because they wanted to. So, in return, I pay it forward so to say.

I tell people what they mean to me. I encourage others, give hugs, and pray for others when they come to mind. If everyone treated others this way, then maybe there wouldn't be as many suicides.

I have had a lot on my mind lately. Frustrations about many things have piled up.

They have everything to do with myself and how I handle the people in my life. I feel like I have to walk on pins and needles around some. That is really hard for me. Bite my tongue. Just let it go. They are only words.

There are days where it doesn't seem fair that I have to again hide the way I truly feel and play nice. I know that many people may think that I'm a nice person,  but I really am not.

See, there is this anger problem I have dealing with since I was made to go to anger management classes. Laugh all you want. They helped me a great deal. It's a process and sometimes I back lash. Hey, I'm not perfect.

Being a step-parent is hard for me sometimes. Mainly, it's the taking all the hurtful things and trying not to let them get to me. A person can only take so much and then they start believing what they are told. Mind you I know that this particular person is still living in high school, but that doesn't make my job any easier.

I am a very caring person and when someone hurts another that I love, it's difficult for me not to step in and try to fix things. This always gets me in trouble. I guess it all boils down to the fact that no one stood up for me when I really needed it.

I'm not a bully, I just want others and myself to be treated fairly. That's all.

In all this, I feel like I have pushed others away. Friends, family, and myself at times. I just want to be loved and have others love me back. I'm afraid to open myself up because it's hard when you open yourself up just to have someone stomp right down on you.

I promised myself that I would not be a doormat for anyone to walk all over. But how can I be the bigger person and not let it ruin my self esteem?  I struggle when others pick every little mistake I make and amplify it. I'd love to say, "I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. Let's face it neither are you!"

Lately, I have been doing a ton of soul searching. I wonder why I made the decisions and behaved the way I have. I also have looked inside to see why I am the way I am. It's kind of an eye opener. I'm not doing the what if game. I just am trying to learn what I can about myself.

Okay, so this all may sound a bit "poor me", but I'm not trying to say that. I am just confused. I would love to understand and move on. I want to be a good, loving person without loosing myself and my self esteem along with it.

It's Christmas!

Growing up Christmas wasn't my favorite time of year. In fact, I couldn't wait for it all to be over with. This may come as a surprise to many of you who know me and know that I'm a Christian.
We were poor. I'm not saying we didn't have the latest stuff, we didn't have much at all. Our family was one of those who received the the food from the food drives and had others in the community got us gifts. This definitely helped in my disbelief of Santa in a huge way. Now, I was always thankful for all we had gotten every year. It was the time when you went back to school that was the hardest. Some kid would ask me what I got for Christmas, and after my answer they'd respond, "that's it?" What a slap in the face.
Disappointment ran really thick around this time of year. I remember one year our church and another was going to put on this great Christmas program. I had to tryout for the solo that I wanted. (It was like high school all over again.) The song the other church picked was quite difficult. Needless to say, I practiced with my voice teacher and worked very hard too. I even auditioned which was nerve recking to say the least. Then there was some falling out or something and the whole program was diminished.
Here recently, I have been getting excited about Christmas. Maybe it's because we have children and it's sooo wonderful to see their little faces light up when they see the tree and open their presents! I really think it's because I am blessed to have such a loving husband whom spoils me as well as our kids this time of year.
I have been trying to do what I can. Being a stay-at-home mom, I don't make much, but this year I decided to start donating my plasma. This has been my contribution to Christmas. (Not to mention the fact that I am helping others I don't even know.)
I have been baking for my family's Christmas Eve get together. It makes me feel good, even though I shouldn't be eating too many of these treats. I've even made some gifts myself. I look forward to hosting Christmas for my In-Laws!
I can't wait till the boys wake up and I can say, "It's Christmas!!!!"

Halloween

This past weekend was Kiy's fall break, so we got to keep her for 4 days! Oh, and we jam packed them with lots of fun!! It so happened that Saturday, my family celebrated mine, Josh's, and my oldest brother's birthday at our house, and Lumi spent the night. Sunday, Daddy spent time with his kiddos, while I got some time by myself. Then Monday, was Halloween of course.


Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a little crafty but cake decorating challenged. I tried to make a cool pumpkin cake for the fam birthday party. Well....first off, I had a little monster help himself to some cake that was cooling on the stove. (I really wish that I got a picture of that! It was priceless.) I had a slight challenge just by that alone. The pumpkin looked cute when I was done Saturday afternoon, but I should have put it in the fridge because it melted and fell apart before the gang all came over. It tasted good, and that is the most important part!


Sunday, I went and got myself some clothes that I was well overdue for. I am definitely one of those mothers who make sure that her family is taken care of and puts herself on the back burner. When your only pair of jeans has 2 holes in the crotch/butt area, well, it's time to get some new jeans. Then I took Lumi home and headed out to Goshen for my first Scentsy party. I stayed after everyone left and caught up with my friend Tina, whom I "go waay back" with. (Our mothers were best friends.) It was great to see how happy she is now and to converse with someone who has never judged me! (Also, her baby girl was soooo cute!)


Monday, after we took Daddy to work, I got some groceries and went home to start our Halloween fun! We didn't have time to carve pumpkins this year, so I let the kids decorate them with colored permanent markers. Then I made Kiy even cuter and put the boys in their costumes. We went to the mall here because I had a limited time and Kiy wasn't feeling so great in the morning. I actually was interviewed by WNDU while we were at the mall. (Yes, I was on the late night news!) The kiddos got sooo much candy that at one point X-man was complaining about his bucket being too heavy.


It was a great weekend! I wish I didn't have to rush Kiy home, but she had school today. :(  I let the boys sleep in their costumes and then today, they switched. I love hanging out with my fam. It has been quite an adventure, but I wouldn't change it for anything!!!!

Birthdays

So, my birthday has now come and gone. (Not if you ask my 4yr old. He thinks that I should have my birthday all week long!) It was a great day, even though it didn't go the way I wanted exactly. When in my life has that happened? I think I like the fact that things happen unexpectedly. It's kinda more fun that way.

My hubby and I went out on a date to celebrate both our birthdays, since his is 5 days after mine. It was nice. Dinner and a movie, but for a couple who doesn't tend to have dates it was wonderful!

In the morning, I was awoken by X and a crying little boy. (I wasn't home when D went to sleep, so he was worried that I wouldn't be there when he woke up.) Then my wonderful husband went with K to get provisions for breakfast since I didn't get the time to go to the grocery store on Saturday.

He came back with eggs, bacon, oreos, o.j., a cherry coffee cake, and some roses (3 white and 2 blue.) I made the bacon, and he made the eggs. I spent some time with the fam, and then decided I needed some me time. X decided to come upstairs and sing "Happy Birthday" to me. Later when I came down, D sang "Happy to you". I am a lucky mommy!!!

Oh, I forgot to mention the washer and dryer that my love bought me. I'm soooo thankful that I only had to go to the laundrymat 2x since we moved here.

I took K back to her mommy by myself due to the fact that the hubby was having serious back problems. It was nice to not to hear the boys cry and whine after sissy left.

I look back on this last year and wouldn't change it for anything. I am truly blessed to have such a loving and healthy family. I am thankful that I am able to stay at home with the boys. I love to watch them learn and play. I love the hugs and cuddles I get all day long.

It will be weird next year when X starts school, but I'm sure it will be alright. (When my hubby and I discussed living here for 2 years before finding a home of our own, I reminded him that X would go to SB schools for his first year, and he couldn't believe that X was old enough. I know that it doesn't seem right, but it is.

X is now grown up...so he says because he graduated to big boy underwear! I just can't believe that my little boys are growing up before my eyes.

The questions....

It's been said that we tend to hurt the ones we love. I'm not sure why that is.
Is it due to the fact that we feel save and free to express ourselves around them? Who knows, but it tends to happen even if we don't mean it to. I have found myself in that web many times.

I try so hard to be positive about life and love, but it seems that little miss negativity gets the best of me. There are many times that I am extremely hard on myself and won't let others in. I'm scared of the getting hurt. Who better to cause me pain than me. I am my own worst enemy. Though, I wish I could be my best friend.

I used to always say that Love is a four-letter word. People throw it around like it has no meaning. While others never say it out of fear. Why is it that love is the one thing that we treasure and desire constantly? Love and acceptance?

Sometimes, I wonder why I think, feel, act the way I do. I don't really know much of my family. My parents have never been big on telling me things about their parents or siblings. Just here recently, my mom told me that I remind her  of her mother. What good that does me when she past when I was a little thing? Where do I truly belong?

It seems like tonight I am just full of questions and not too many answers. I am therefore I love. I love therefore I cause others pain. I am so unsure of the reason. That is what bothers me.

Not really sure...

This weekend I came to a hard conclusion about myself that really seemed to upset me. I really don't have any friends with whom I can hang out with. My husband and I were talking about how I'd like to go out and relieve some stress, but I countered with the fact that I really don't have anyone to do anything with.
I feel that every time something in my life changed, I had to make a new friend. We moved around a lot when I was a kid, so I focused on moving on. I seem to be an outgoing person. I managed to make tons of friends my one semester of college and when I went down to Texas for my summer of Teen Mania camps. (I only managed to stay in touch with a select few, though.) I don't have a core group that I do things with.
I have focused my time, energy, and life to being a good wife and mother to our kids. The only time that I converse with other adults is on facebook.
What has been a struggle for me, is that fact that I have tried to work really hard on my relationships. Sometimes I feel that I am the one doing all the work. I'm the one who seems to go the extra mile. I even try to help plan family things just so that I'm in the loop and not the last one to know.
I am not truly sure how to remedy this situation. It has been eating at me for a while.