I have had a lot on my mind lately. Frustrations about many things have piled up.

They have everything to do with myself and how I handle the people in my life. I feel like I have to walk on pins and needles around some. That is really hard for me. Bite my tongue. Just let it go. They are only words.

There are days where it doesn't seem fair that I have to again hide the way I truly feel and play nice. I know that many people may think that I'm a nice person,  but I really am not.

See, there is this anger problem I have dealing with since I was made to go to anger management classes. Laugh all you want. They helped me a great deal. It's a process and sometimes I back lash. Hey, I'm not perfect.

Being a step-parent is hard for me sometimes. Mainly, it's the taking all the hurtful things and trying not to let them get to me. A person can only take so much and then they start believing what they are told. Mind you I know that this particular person is still living in high school, but that doesn't make my job any easier.

I am a very caring person and when someone hurts another that I love, it's difficult for me not to step in and try to fix things. This always gets me in trouble. I guess it all boils down to the fact that no one stood up for me when I really needed it.

I'm not a bully, I just want others and myself to be treated fairly. That's all.

In all this, I feel like I have pushed others away. Friends, family, and myself at times. I just want to be loved and have others love me back. I'm afraid to open myself up because it's hard when you open yourself up just to have someone stomp right down on you.

I promised myself that I would not be a doormat for anyone to walk all over. But how can I be the bigger person and not let it ruin my self esteem?  I struggle when others pick every little mistake I make and amplify it. I'd love to say, "I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. Let's face it neither are you!"

Lately, I have been doing a ton of soul searching. I wonder why I made the decisions and behaved the way I have. I also have looked inside to see why I am the way I am. It's kind of an eye opener. I'm not doing the what if game. I just am trying to learn what I can about myself.

Okay, so this all may sound a bit "poor me", but I'm not trying to say that. I am just confused. I would love to understand and move on. I want to be a good, loving person without loosing myself and my self esteem along with it.